I’m only half a year away from achieving a goal that took me two and a half years more before today. It also took a huge amount of courage to reach here for inhibition had to be seen off in the process. Time to rejoice is still some months away.
While I’m this close, I feel I’m dissipating. Strangely enough, while typing on my smartphone, the word would keep taking extra ‘dissi’ as though elongating the process of dissipation; if such a thing is possible. Such a word would have appropriately described my present state of being right now. I’m not pieced…, yet my very existence seems to have changed type of matter, further changing its existential type till it particulates atomically.
The catch is, I’m short of time and opportunity to dwell into this thought of sinking. I need to keep moving and I wish I knew how!
I am doing all it takes. All that I should be doing. Everything that is required of me.
Then what is stopping me?
I’m dealing with people who are psychologically imbalanced and use mistreatment as balancing tactics. Their ego is wafer thin and even as much as breathing close gets them to bits. I stopped investing mind into why. Reasoning out is futile; concluding which was a sharp blow at the time. My only bail out of it is wait the time out.
It is this realization that is killing me. I want to walk away and now is not the time. I’m crushing my very essence to keep up with the idiosyncrasies. I need to brace myself with a few more gears which will happen in due course. My respect is bruised listening to the voice of survival.
I’m torn between having to do what I am expected to and what I want to affecting what I need to for now. This deal of concentrating on my task of completing the following six months successfully being pestled meanwhile to keep up with what I want to leave is taking my focus away from what I’m required to do.
I have a clear understanding of the task in hand. From what I have to do – to what I’m being forced to do – to how it will eventually end soon so I shall have the choice to do what I then wish to and that what I have always wanted to do.
Amidst this chaos, I feel I’m becoming a different person again. Whether my alter ego is refusing to take over the battle or whether all the personalities in me united causing this anxiety and worry, I feel I’m crushing myself down. Every time I’m suppressing my voice to scream back in hurt, I’m chipping a bit of me.
For now, food on my plate is warm and I have the money to eat what I want and I earn that with not having to fork my respect.
I want to say the same for my essence too.
It’s that time of life when I’m yearning to receive healing, compassion and faith. Dear Universe, I reach out to you again. I do not want to get institutionalised.
PS: I took that picture many years back when I was dunked into a similar warped situation. No edits. That picture too has a post pending. Soon!