I am sitting from where I still see someone dropping me home one late evening. The moment and several more preceding that became perfect reminders to who I am. Yearlong period of yearning and wishing had met fulfillment in that one evening. He had nudged awake my alter in hiding. It took me time to let go. When I did, I found he was who I wanted one to be. Nonchalantly, I had acted dumb most part of that evening. I was still thinking…
Taking to liking someone could be fleeting… or so I thought. It was meant to pass me by; right? Yet, something in me held me back every time we planned to go out. I wasn’t running to catch time or build memories. It was more than just living in the moment. To me, it was a real deal. The me in hiding was strongly wishing for him guarding my actions. I had to ensure that all was how it ought to be.
I had to turn away from what I was looking.
He professed undying companionship wherein sought comfort in other’s company. I was subjected to deceit day in and out, was cheated on with my close friends. My male- friends meant to him as my “partners”, his association with women was “compassion”; never mind the unending dates or phone- chats or whatever else that is implied anyway. It was my doing. I trusted someone and why! Promises and commitment were only tacts to “get” me. I was still mourning my wedlock I had walked out of only a few days back. The last thing I wanted ever was a broken marriage. Inevitably, I became my father. I wanted to sit in silence and look within. I was made to share house with his girlfriend, in the process earning the title of his boyfriend’s mistress from her. She made me look straight into the facts I had looked over right at the start of that phase making it extremely ugly. I realized I was dealing with a psychopath who intended to keep me to nurture his ego that was squarely bruised by his spouse and his girlfriend. I had submitted to their dictates and the housework till one night she decided to put to end her agony. I ran out almost undressed or else would have ended up getting stabbed. That was only a curtain raiser of the life to come.
It was far from being said a relationship; that captive. He addressed it as an arrangement. It was worse than one. While I was promised work and security; I had ended up becoming recluse. The damages I ran away from in my marriage had all loomed over. Soon, I was slogging for a narcissist without being paid for. I was addressed as whatever one deemed fit. His wife went everywhere I did, so did his girlfriend. This claimed my career and social circle since my going back to any place I belonged was crudely savaged. I ceased stepping out of the confines of my home literally. I was called a lot of unmentionable dirt in my face and the one to have dragged me into it played his part actively. He ensured more came my way. Though I lived alone, my movements were stalked. Cab drivers were queried about my travel. My neighbors queried of his association with me and on it went till one day I stepped out, got bald and got myself some real work. I wasn’t proving to be the damsel in distress he took me for. I was far too strong to remain suppressed and what for? I knew a lot more than getting dolled up. I had breasts alright. He forgot to take note of my brains; a fact that is often missed by the patriarchal society we are a part of. I had exposed the monster in him out there for everyone to see. My hard resolve to take it all till I hit the bottom that shall kill me then taking away my weight that would in turn send me afloat was where I was focussing on. I took all that I could till I could bear no more. The turn I took was steep. Not even in dreams he had envisaged getting stumped in the way it happened. I owed it to that girl.
How many more heartbreaks could I take at one time singlehandedly? I had friends who thought I was lucky to have run into that man for he came across as an aristocrat. Only I knew what lay beneath the façade. What was I to do if not to go quiet? I wasn’t talking about it to anyone. How I re-invented myself is another story altogether. With all this going on in my then present continuous tense, how could I have walked upto him and said things I would have if this wasn’t happening? Beside, overlapping isn’t my thing.
Many more people gone unmentioned, my ex- managers, friends, neighbors and the likes of my ex who had joined in to violate my identity, I hope they are reading me.
How I wish for more of him now. Having said so, I don’t want time to turn back. I’m happy realising what I wished for since I did wasn’t a momentary influx. The feeling rules most part of my waking hours. I am aware of him and of our last conversation during my sleep too. The replies I get in his one- liners is making my alter in hiding to step forward even though only by a few inches at a time. Someday she will come out to take charge. Until then, the merciless alter who is me will rule. She will ensure I collect nomore attacks on my dignity. My present day apprehension isn’t without a reason. Even with all of that, I am feeling ready to give people their due share of chance. I’ll let new people come in and I’ll go out to them and weave a fresh fabric of life.
Giving away the identity here shall be simpler and I feel he may not mind too, but; there’s always a certain way about things… the right way. I did it the way I thought it ought to have been. It deserved a correct presentation and not an eruption of incoherent words not lasting a few dates and possibly reaching nowhere.
It isn’t as fleeting after all.