Contrary to Indian cultural faith – our parents are the manifestation of God, letme bust the myth – they are humans. As an individual, they can be folly and faulter. And that’s fine!
Please don’t set yourself up for disappointment by expecting the moon. They are human beings just like you and me. They were raised by a set of parents like themselves who perhaps were not perfect, either. The concept of being perfect doesn’t exist. Unless it’s an Utopian world we live in. Then again, there maybe other restrictions.
So coming back to the subject of our parents, they also have dreams they couldn’t achieve – maybe, you were born. Or maybe because they were married off to the wrong person. How many of them were aware of the institution really? How many of them actively decided to settle with one another? And how many really did the homework required before taking the plunge?
Notice, how I said “they were married off…” instead of “they married…”. The latter also isn’t a guarantee of a happy/successful married home.
In a society, where non-consented, early marriages are still a part of several cultures, where women are not sent to schools and where they are given no education or introduction to marriage; let alone sex, how else do you expect the children from those households to be? And I am taking about the New Delhi, NCT region here. Take this portrayal of our society to rural set-up and you will witness child marriages happening still. The pathway only goes downhill from there.
Before I share my parents’ story, I want you to get the understanding of the frame-work of our society. I often wondered why in Bollywood movies, the actress post wedding was shown changing to wearing sarees from her pencil skirts & pencil heels during her courting days… with the saree length covering her head all the time.
Please don’t come at me with that being the sign of respect towards elders. Then why men are discounted? And why is she expected to cover her face altogether? Should she be ashamed of the fact that would be stripped at night/s for bedroom activity?
In those movies, even after the wedding was long over, why did she move around the house all adorned in jewelry, still? Even while sleeping! And how on earth was she smiling doing all the household chores of a large family she was wedded to? Wearing that heavy saree complete with makeup & jewelry?
Absolutely nothing was ever shown about that lady holding any conversation about her choices in life, around work, career, or house work or finances or compatibility with her future husband and the house she was going to become a part of. Just no one started the conversation, not even the lady herself.
In 2013, when I broke out of a certain phase of my life, heading to corporate world again to make a living; I was appalled, when I was bombarded with the questions like: Why aren’t you married? And why? And why? in name of introductions. Apparently, no one could make sense of my marital status, not even that VP, who couldn’t get past the idea of me being single. Her why in plural are stuck in my head like the static you get on a low bandwidth on a zoom call. This VP incident happened in 2021.
So you see, as a society, people are conditioned to living a certain lifestyle, no question of choices or the fact that they do have the option to make one exists!
The discussion on the institution of marriage, here in India is for a different post. For now, I am highlighting what to expect of our elders, parents & our caregivers in terms of their identity, making informed decisions; i.e., if at all; and, developing their children’s identity, helping them to form a mindset of their own. Internet is majorly utilized for watching videos of popular movie songs, devotional songs or maybe a food recipe…
The picture I am painting here is why it is how it is.
There is no education on partnerships, adulthood or responsibility included in schools too.
At home, the man is busy fending for his family, aggressing when requested for participating in discussions because that’s all he was given to witness in his childhood. The woman is running the household from managing the finances with whatever she is given, to probably even giving away all her earnings towards it and executing all the chores of the house, all by herself. She works not out of choice but to add to the clang for her home.
She wasn’t taught, she has a life too. The cycle continues. Till date. The exceptions are truly exceptional.
It is; but natural, parents will and do make mistakes – life altering ones, both yours and theirs. They weren’t educated about attachment styles, effects of household chaos on a child and being a responsible, self-aware individual. The only time they read “trauma” was perhaps in the ER’s trauma ward in the hospitals.
If you are an adult now, please forgive them for who they have been to you. And if you really care, please educate them. They are who they are because of how it has been passed on to them. They were busy raising you under the pressure of the “society” with no time time on hands to think. They have done what they thought was their job; it’s your turn now.
Forgive them. Educate them.
Olivia's life instances... 