Ray of Light liberates me.. Finally

You decide to breakup with your present boyfriend. That’s because you were left feeling bitter and wasted to say the least. You swap letters and gifts back saying things that would hurt you more while saying. You realized that it wasn’t going anywhere; moreover, it was eating you out of what you are. You had become an abnormal psycho who had forgotten to create balance with others and had to end up being a recluse. Why?

You didn’t want to share any of it with your friends. It was their questions you were fearing to hear… how the two of you are? You couldn’t turn up to your friends because of that choice you once made. You didn’t want anymore of we told you so!Anyway, what else anyone would have done other than to listen to your sob stories? Would they have offered you a place to stay?

Only that I was breaking off my marriage. The guy was my boyfriend of four years, before getting married. Only I was cleverly tricked out of my marital home after 3 years of domestic torture. I eventually gave up on him after spending yet another year in desperate hope.

How Samanta and Hemant were so typically Libran.. Only then I felt sorry for myself because I was once again thrown out of my home and left to stumble upon. Only then it dawned on me that all men may be typically similar to each other in basic instincts at the least.

Once again, I was practically left with no help from any quarters. I had only 2 choices- either to remain a clown and put a brave face to a husband who didn’t care, or to walk out. We would just not speak; he would go to his home to have his food and come back late at night. After crying my eyes out in hope to work the things out at least between the both of us again, I chose the latter with great difficulty. Often, he would leave me crying and walk out of the conversation or abruptly halt me saying that he didn’t want to speak any further. The Society knew of me to be a married woman; I couldn’t declare myself as single again; not all of a sudden. Neither could I say that I was pursuing a Divorce petition. I had no parental support that would have become my vigil.

After 4 years of knowing each other and four more years of being with someone, I had to snap it all off one fine morning and it was that sharp and that sudden. I was to look for a place for myself; makeover my identity again and maintain that I should not be judged by all. I had to put a brave face so no- one gets any clue. I had to avoid everyone in order to keep them and their enquiries at bay. Since, he had hardly contributed to anything for the marital home- in other words, he didn’t put in anything to fill up the space, so my belongings remained to me.

My Table Clock that I bought with him in dating years, remained packed for next 2 years.  It is an alarm clock with random musical alarm that has an old world charm to it. My other showcase display articles also remained in the box for 2 years. While opening those boxes in November- 2008, I was so nostalgic; I had partly forgotten what all I had been treasuring. Its then when I noticed that the cassettes he had gifted me were not in my carton box; neither were my albums..

Today while listening to Ray of Light, the songs pestered me to finally bring Hemant in my Blog. He didn’t know I liked Madonna since my teens. He had passed on the songs thinking I may like them; liked I them. Probably I had encaged myself on my own by growing fondness for something that he had given me. He had taken them back thinking that that would hurt me and that that would pleasure him immeasurably; that’s exactly what he confessed when I confronted him later. By then, I had passed my hurt; I had once again learnt to live with deficit. Once again, I had learnt how to get over the hurt of losing things that may be Dear to me.

A silly cassette it may seem; to me, they were my soul songs. How well he had hurt my pride by making that plastic case missing. He wanted me to miss the songs- doesn’t this seem to be silly enough to you? For nights, I had dozed off listening to the numbers being unaware of anything else around.

I heard a few of them tonight on Youtube and wondered whether he would buy the distribution rights from Madonna’s Company.. It was actually silly of me to have let myself be so loose to get adapted to his likes and other dislikes. Is that what is called to go with the flow; I did and got floated away, carried away. Only that I still listen to Madonna as I used to earlier.

Hemant, I am so sorry for you. You failed once again; to deprive me of listening to something that once you had introduced me to. You should have known better that if I had picked something to say it’s my fave, I would stick to it; no matter what. Just because you gifted me Ray of Light, I wouldn’t stop listening to Madonna. I am so unlike you- If I love something, Ill look for it again and again i.e., If I am unable to own it soon enough.

I am on my way to release my self of every such tangible sense of happiness. I now enjoy even more listening to them on internet instead of buying yet another box and giving myself yet another mis- opportunity to get hurt.. What if this time it breaks?

Next- Mention of my “M” and Reader’s Comment

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About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My mind and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Ray of Light liberates me.. Finally

  1. Pingback: Conclusion begins now | Olivia's Life Instances..

  2. Pingback: This show is over.. | Olivia's Life Instances..

  3. Ankur Goyal says:

    Being judgemental is very easy, to understand and support is just the opposite.. Hey Olivia,if you wrote in context of me that i just asked the question instead of going more into details.It doesnt mean that i dont understand the support you.Following & knowing the person inner and outer is kind of support in itself and even if any more support is needed in whatever way,i can ,i will do.
    I respect for the decision u took in life and the boldly way you are living your life.Yes i know making comment is quite easy rather then facing the real world scenarios.Thats why i have follow this post written by you ,to know what next could have happened?

    • Olivia says:

      Yes Ankur, I know and understand; I do. I have replied in context to all the readers’ questions in their mind. Infact, you helped me by letting me include it (in my Blog Space) in more declaring manner instead of that subtle way that I had.
      🙂

  4. Ankur Goyal says:

    “I am on my way to release my self of every such tangible sense of happiness”.I liked the line.One should not depend on all this.
    Well you got married ?You never mentioned in any of ur blogs till date and then breakoff as well.Is is recently happened?
    You wrote tricked out of home after 3 years of torture..I was not clear over one thing when you hav seen all definitions of torture during your early days then how come you can go in another torture thing for another 3 years.Shall i consider this as u r used to being tortured? I am sorry its bit personal but i got carried away by this story so i jst asked?

    • Olivia says:

      A very obvious question- a woman who has no place to go to would definitely try to give the current situation or arrangement her best shot before moving on..
      Its not that one fine day you simply do what you want to..
      I had to weigh my pros and cons and everything else to start my life afresh; isn’t it enough that I have been able to put this very thing across on a blog- something that I have never talked about to anyone? You can only evaluate a thing from a distance and not while into it because thats when you only react and try to make yourself stable.
      No I am not used to being tortured or else. I did whatever best I could in the eventuality of the fact that I had no one to fall back upon.
      I believe you stay here in India, tell me even in capital city, how many of them would not ask any question while signing a Rent Deed with a Single Woman without any MALE NAME attached to her.
      My Dear, “saying no”; and then “acting upon it i.e., staying firm” are two very different mindsets.
      We all know the definitions, just how many of us really imitate the theoretical possibilities in real life?
      I have had a time when I was practically fighting against my in- laws and their relatives and extended families all by myself- please let me know- How many of them have been successful in the terms of being respected after this fact broke open to the Society? Wren’t they driven out or hushed?
      I had to first look for another jumping base before I decide to leave this one.
      I did that after 4 years and I am glad that I did that WITHOUT ANYONES HELP AND COMPROMISE.
      If after so much time, reading just a portion of what had happened back then- made you think what you have mentioned here- How would you have reacted then if you had met someone like me? Being judgemental is very easy, to understand and support is just the opposite..
      “Marriage” is not my identity, was never even when I was in the arrangement.
      While I understand you also have a freedom of expression and I respect that, my later blogs would give you a little more peek on what was going on then..
      As of now, for me to have written what I have is more than I could at this time- remember, I never made a mention of this to anyone?
      I would rather include the above content in my next blog.
      I couldn’t include much in Ray of Light.. or the essence would have been killed..

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