Broken!

What is worse than getting hurt?

It’s the pain of carrying the spilling tears all the way through your transit to hit the confines of your home to cry your heart out. That throbbing infliction makes you sigh even with your mouth closed and you try to fake the sound by coughing. You don’t want the taxi driver to know that you may be way beyond sobbing. If covering your face with your handkerchief didn’t give way to what was happening at the back seat of the car, you jab the ear- plugs into the recess of your brain openings those were bruised only moments ago. By the time you reach home, your tears are dried out.

One of the things I have mastered upon over the period of years is faking it all. Then again, it’s not by choice.

There is something awfully strange about me.

When really sad, I tend to look at a different tangent altogether, making merry and celebrating life as though all’s very well at the least. I was having my food when Hemant called me up. He wanted me to watch “Lie to me” on Star World. 4 years of courtship, 3 years of abused wedlock relationship, 2 years of estranged relationship, despite staying under the same roof and with none of his family members to intrude or conspire, and another 3 since I walked out on him; he had wanted me to watch something in particular. Why did he have to suggest watching that particular show?

Upping the volume of the songs at the interval, leaving my food plate aside I had acted as though I had gone berserk. Perhaps I had actually! I danced like a tribal, screaming like a witch, throwing myself on the floor – not really bothering about sanity anymore. I lay there for sometime like a spent virgin or not anymore, crying, looking at the things around wondering why this had to happen if at all!

All stabbing moments had come flying by hissing at my helplessness. For a moment it was hard to decide what was more hurting. The time when my mom died, when I was thrown out of my home- twice, when I realized my marriage would be a sure shot failure or when I realized the man who promised me the world was another one of the losers trying to boost his ego or maybe I fighting my way out of all the mess and more?

He must have thought of me as a rude one, since I didn’t wish him while leaving; whereby, it was I who had craned her neck to see him pull his bag before pushing himself in from the left side of the car! It wasn’t intentional. I was way beyond hurt; I still am. I will live alright, but really don’t know if I would ever come to terms with it.

The way I am; I may put up a façade of having come to terms with it after all.

Or maybe not.

I feel sadly pleasured up in collecting this pain! Apparently, there is something that could hurt me after all- or is it a someone? A particular someone- who I let so close that he could affect my state of being after all. When was the last time that I had gotten so affected by- if at all? Why am I so hurt again? Is it because of him being so ignorant or I being so rude in response?Though unintentional but I lost moments of hugging him, kissing him an evening! Even though he had hugged me; I had stood stoned. I am still unable to decide- what was more hurting- his behavior or mine? Why did I let those moments pass by when I could have made memories of touching him- feeling him next to my skin like a part of my own body?

On a lighter note: Being high has its own vantage points. You can be how you wish to; yet get away with it without people creating a fuss over it. Little would they ever know that that is only a facade to hide away the hurricane whirling inside your heart!

My throat is soar because of all the mad screaming. Atleast something didn’t let me down- my vodka made me cry like it was the end of the world.

In a way it is..

~*~*~

Filed under My Life Instances. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.
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About Olivia

Corporate worker, textile designer, writer.
This entry was posted in My Biopic Log, My mind and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Broken!

  1. Anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And you are absolutely right when you said ‘Being high has its own vantage points’. The reassuring words of Gayle and our support will take you through! Cheers!

  2. Mayank Teria says:

    absolutely stunned to read this…….

    • Olivia says:

      You are absolutely a sweetheart………………………..!
      Does my reply shock you? I know it does. I am highly unpredictable; but reading it, you would have smiled pressing your lips towards left!

      Bear hugs for being so patient with me and not letting go off me.. xoxox

  3. Bodhirose says:

    (Posted here at your request).

    Olivia, I felt like sending you a private email since reading your heart wrenching posting. Are you saying your newest guy friend has already broken your heart? I’m stunned. And so very sorry. Was he not sincere with your feelings after all?

    And am I to understand that your ex-husband is still in contact with you–calling you up to tell you to watch something on TV? It has been my experience that no contact with an ex who was controlling and did not have your best interest at heart is best. At least that is my experience. I told him years ago, I no longer wanted his letters, calls or opinions at all. We are cordial when we have to see each other around our adult daughters but there is absolutely no reason to have contact with him any longer. I finally learned that it only caused me pain. I encourage you to protect yourself accordingly.

    I am so sad for your agony and despair over this latest relationship “event”. Are there no decent human beings any longer? You have gone through so much disappointment in your life regarding relationships. Maybe this is the way of this callous world. I would like to think otherwise but I wonder.

    I just had to express my care for you and am very sorry for this turn of events that has rendered your heart torn in two. Damn!

    Please don’t turn to too much Vodka as that can cause you some very ugly problems too.

    Love you, friend. Please take gentle care of yourself.

    I am here if you ever need a loving ear to listen.

    Love and hugs,
    Gayle

    • Olivia says:

      Woah Gayle!!
      Your words comfort me no end. I am glad I didn’t comment upon it hurriedly. I somehow “brew” it well before expressing or reacting to it!

      In short, both of us are trying to save each other from getting hurt and yet, hurting each other just too well in the process! lolss like I mean it!! 😀
      If this is not love then what is? Yes, I was upset and that’s what made me do and write all that I did. I wouldn’t have wanted it in any other day. To say the least, it came out in open- how the two of us are so protective of each other and stark open about it!!

      If it explains even a little, I am experiencing hurt. I mean I thought nothing could move me. Remember, I thought I am a stoned figurine- alas! I am only a 30 something (ouchhh- I am old) experiencing something that she had lost out upon big time in her teens! I mean, I am in love for once……………………………………. the pain comes as a part of the bargain!!
      Bring it on I say.. It’s time I erase the afflicted memories building up newer ones and with someone who understands and reciprocates my sentiments.. 🙂

      Tell me I am crazy.. Go ahead- say it already!! 😆 😆 😆

      My ex? (not at all) a relationship of convenience or may I say I am not bothered at all? The tele-serial he suggested was this guy’s recent fave. In a way he only sent me back to him again! the definition of “him” has changed now- it’s no longer Himanshu- it’s now another Moon- sigh!! (Himanshu means moon light- he means Moon) Hopelessly romantic.. silly me!

      On a serious note- I have stood up to face my life one more time- will take everything in my stride and roar on! Taking your advise, tonite’s a soy milk tall glass. I had only sipped 60ml or even less last evening. I cried and that gave me a mega high.. it hits me really hard- as though I need to get anymore mad!! 😀

      Sending you loads of Love n Mega Hugs
      xoxoxoxo

      • Bodhirose says:

        Dear Olivia, if anything, I should know by now that we all carry big bags of past hurts around with us (at least a lot of us do) and just about anything can send us into a tornado of turmoil and tantrums. Take it from someone who knows! I am happy my words brought you some comfort too.

        No, I will not call you crazy. I feel you are working through your hurts and past the best way you know how. Yes, we stone goddesses think we are beyond anything or anyone touching that most vulnerable place within us–ha! Not so. Sometimes, I think it is the “stony” ones that feel things with more sensitivity than others.

        You are being very brave to face what comes–you are giving it your all! I commend you and please forgive me for misreading the situation and jumping to a conclusion. You’re so right–being in love often means a lot of hurt and a lot of work at trying to be considerate and compassionate to the other when you mostly want to strangle them! It’s good to hear that your friend is willing to walk in the fire along side you.

        I wish you well my friend. I’m so happy to hear that you are roaring on!

        Love,
        Gayle xoxo

        • Olivia says:

          Not at all Gayle.. you had read it right!
          I was indeed way beyond depressed. I had started my very morning crying bitter realizing how awfully bad the last evening was. When in pain, I take it all and emote in confines where no one can see how vulnerable I maybe..

          It was him who had started texting from 7 in the morning! I had been as rude and cold as I could be. For once, he had carried on texting through out the day till I went to see him again and talk it all out! Not that anything new has come up; how the things are at present, nothing concrete can take shape. Having said that, he has binded me back with so many things that if “we” were to call it off, it would take half a life away from each other. We are having the time of our lives allowing one another to be how we are! You are right about the baggage part. He made me leave that without realizing that he had done that successfully for all times to come. I am like I am re- born! He dared tearing down the wall I had put up around me.

          You said it perfectly- we “stone- goddesses” are the ones most vulnerable ones. Yes, I am working my life out taking things in my stride and he is the reason. Everyone has noticed that change in me. You didn’t mis- read it at all. It was his texts- 100s of those that made me comeback- atleast on the face of it or maybe it actually did. Strangle them-?? You can say that again.. and again.. and yet again! I control my annoyance like I never did – again something that everyone has noticed and wondered about!

          He is the one who is making me hug a cold shoulder when he has fire within his chest for me! Could I get anymore poetic? If not anything else, I am enjoying a very different side of a man.
          I am living a life!

          And Gayle,
          I am happy to be sharing it with you!!!
          See you very soon – I SO FEEL

          Hugs xoxox

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