The last phase of transition has brought upon me yet another period of transition. This is what I have been brooding about since long. The un-canniness of the stances has left me incapacitated.
Where do I even begin?
My life pattern has been an exact replica of my mom’s life cycle. If it helps knowing, I am sailing through the phase that she was unable to hit yet. I have consciously broken the patterns in my life cycle to break away from destiny or maybe to create one. She was still stuck up in her last phase when she had passed away. I for one am working my way out of it as on date.
Having said that, there are many things those are yet to be concluded.
That also means I won’t die a hopeless death. I don’t have a daughter to support. Fate definitely had made me get into it- but I had broken away from that one too. Not that it was any more conducive than how it is now or not; the fact remains, it was I being her daughter who had not only made her medically unfit but also had taken her life away. Yes, I feel it was more of me who took her away from me.
If I am to sum it up today, this is how I would put across.
My life since my childhood has been a rough- work sheet till now. Men have scribbled their pattern on me. Starting from my dad to uncle to classmates failing to get into anything concrete to other relationships, it’s men who have played my life. My last 34 years is only a reflection of my involvement with men, showing their influence over my life cycle. There are few of them still attached (or maybe not exactly) relationship or maybe not anymore; of those have hit the dead end. It’s crying for a conclusion.
My writing has to do something with it.
I had recognized this pattern when I was 7 years of age. No sooner I documented something, it came to an end. Anytime I say a thing a few times over wanting it really bad; it just so happens in the very typical manner as desired. My current life pattern vis-à-vis men is: I have a few books written over already. The last page disclosing the most predictable end is to be written. Once that is done, the book would be gone and finished. Absolutely no traces or portions would then be able to branch out (from past) to reach me. While I was trying to finish one of those, the 2nd one called to be concluded anyway.
I am writing anyways.
If that’s not all, I have begun to write yet another book already. All men I have ever dated; I see the shades of all of them in this new book. The details would need yet another post. Perhaps, I would keep writing this one forever- atleast that is how I see. It seems I have all that I lost in the words of this new book. The striking similarities between our individual nature and life stances and the overlapping traits of all the men in my life till now; seems all of that is bundled up and presented back to me by my life! Now, the dilemma I am facing is- do I want to write this book- if at all?
One of the books last chapters would be decided upon this Sunday!