Love? Perhaps not!

While Love is highly subjective to be written about; marriage is relatively easier; atleast the discussion part of it. What’s most confusing is we mixing the two!

You may end up feeling for anyone- but possibly not marry just anyone.

More often than not it so happens that one develops feelings for the other, even without realizing about the same. In growing up years, every liking, infatuation and lust seemed to be the love of the life. Wait, that’s not the end. It goes further down with the girl swearing that she would only want to settle down with that boy or else no one.. 😦 Remember those days?

Here’s how it goes.

The boy and the girl meet one another. They fall in love soon. The girl completes her high- school or college, the boy starts to work and they get married. This is simple. If the boy comes from a rich family; it becomes simpler. Better still, they outgrow on each other and move apart and don’t make a huge noise about it. The cycle re- begins.

So where’s the confusion?

Arranged Marriages have a very little scope to none at all, of the couples falling in love with each other before the wedlock. Parents decide the match for them, they get married, make kids and their life goes on. Whether or not they love each other as in fall in love types- really doesn’t matter anymore. Soon the man gets busy in making money for the family and the woman busies herself with the kids. With her kids growing up and she restricted to her own family for the major part of the day; her own unfulfilled ambitions get pushed far behind. At other times, she re-digs her wishes and adorns those on her kids.  The rich and the wealthy ones keep themselves busy partying not caring about anything much. After sometime the so called “love” is anyways lost and then what takes the relationship any further or to conclusion is the convenience of keeping it.

Between the two, lies a grey area.

There are people like me who don’t feel for anyone, anymore. I am a little package and not a single individual. I may have a mind of my own- which may not be so easy for the other one to get used to. Just what’s the fun of falling for someone who would never be able to stand me up for me anyway? It may happen that I start to like someone and then “fall” for him too; but what then? Where would the relationship go assuming it becomes one, in due course of time? The way the things are at my end or how I am, what if he is unable to take that any further than some vested and wasted emotions.

What then?

Do I look for someone else who could carry my baggage separately; meanwhile I keep my lover too? Or do I start afresh- again?

Anytime a man confesses of his feelings for me; I look back at him.

They often fall in love with the facade that I put up. I don’t need to declare how heartbroken I maybe- all over me. Neither do I need to announce what testing times I have survived through. My smile is too infectious for them to handle. I appear to be a fanciful object to own! I have become one of those porcelain dolls that are meant to be show- cased and not played around with! Men find it difficult to accept me as their lady since I am a headstrong one- not really agreeing to give in. After having fought for practically everything that comes naturally to the most of us, I don’t have much of shyness left in me. There’s no more of a woman left in me who would act coy.

However..

They do want to sleep with me- almost all of them! Do they feel manly while taking a strong one? Probably it gives their ego a huge boost when they ride someone stronger than they themselves are. It must be lifting for them to “conquer” the determined woman all vulnerable and violated.

Yet, they feel scared.

A couple of men I have known including my ex often said; I appear to be too dazzling and smart for any man. Really now, I can not and will not act dumb to please any man- how so ever desiring he may be! I find the whole idea of charming a man a big comedy. If a companion is what you need, why at all “woo” him? Why would you have to play it hard for him to get you around? Notice how the word Love is far far away from the entire discussion.

So what is it?

The one I loved, or so I think I did had developed chicken feet. I had never really thought of in terms of getting into a relationship with him. However, when such a time arrived, he was gone like the dinosaur era. The one I  married also had developed chicken claws. It wasn’t any love or lust. Although it was a relationship before we got married; the relationship was maintained with the intent of getting under the same roof in the conventional manner. A few years back, I tried to work out an arrangement yet again. It was clearly to support my basic cause of survival. Although partly I did succeed; the major portion turned out to be a failure again. I may have come out of my prevailing issues; hence survival, but have dived into newer ones in the process. What the heck- it isn’t any relationship either! No points for guessing- chicken feet mania set in.

So I guess, it’s only the rooster that rules!

Every time it’s the men who step back, giving some or the other reason which is highly unreasonable and misleading. What’s worse, they don’t even bother to inform the other one about it- more often than not. They just stop talking about it one fine day. They flip the page over they maybe reading and shut the book close, placing it back on the rack. The lady is hardly able to locate the book, much less taking it out and flip through the pages and try to read and understand the contents!

Like I always say, arranged marriages are only an arrangement.

I definitely want to get into a relationship- working out an arrangement of both convenience and survival. Apparently, I will develop feelings with time. Why not? If a sensible man of a desirable character is doing all that he can to please me as an individual, why wouldn’t I fall for him? If a man is trying to squeeze some time out of his already set in a pattern life for me; why wouldn’t I give some of mine in turn? If I have someone giving me that big a space to me and yet letting me savor a relationship; why wouldn’t I announce about such an affair in open?

What about the priorities?

About a year and a half back, I  shared my thoughts with some of my very close friends. It was an informal get together when we happened to broach the subject. That was the 1st time ever that my thoughts took shape of words for others to understand my mind. I wish to get settled- in terms of future security. My priority is not- falling in love and then taking the stones on the way to get it working for me. I want it the other way around. I can take all the pain to find someone who fits the bill and then sail on a smooth relationship- open or otherwise. That’s it- I said it. My priority remains to support my basic survival- so I would definitely not waste time in un- ending dates just to know each other! The going out for coffees or spending the nights together has to only happen after he knows what it is to start a relationship with me. I have no time or energy to spend on someone who is darn charming however commitment phobic.

I don’t wish to keep a man with me if he has no important role to play.

I have my own priority in place. Any man who wishes to step in would have to wear the shoes of a provider. I need a man who could be one– instead of I doing all the running around to support my survival. This may kindly be not read as I wanting to not take up my own responsibilities. That’s exactly what I am doing right now and hence, no man is around. In much crude words, I wouldn’t want to sleep with a man just for the heck of it. He needs to prove his worth and place.

On a lighter note-

I have met uncountable men who have expressed their want to rather make out with me. However, they want to use up my place for the act! They say it so romantically that it hurts turning their proposal down- “Olivia, why don’t you invite me over for a romantic candle- lit evening time with some lazy drinks…?” I hear you moron, “Baby, be a man enough to invite me over to your place. I would love to see your world and make memories together throughout the evening…!” Get the f*ck out of here.

I have no room for experiments or trying it out.

Compatibility, temperament, understanding- all of that works out as long as the two of us are well apprised of what we may be getting into. It can’t be love and then talking it out. I would want it absolutely the opposite way. First talking it all out and then developing feelings for him. Then again, I can not begin to imagine why I would fall in love without any reason. Why would I want to develop feelings for a stranger? Where does it go if he fails to elevate my present state of being- that being my the priority?

Love at first sight!

It can only be an attraction or the desire to strike a chemistry. Just how different is this than developing a crush for a Hollywood superstar? Soul- mate is just another freaky term- it could be Life- Partner; “Companionship” sounds much better. We love our friends and parents because of how they have been to us. We don’t fall in love with people and then make friends- do you see that? We pick and choose to bracketize a few people we know as friends because of what they have done for us. Now they didn’t do it because they loved us; but because of how they maybe as an individual. They may have liked us, or even wanted to befriend us close; all of which is acceptable.

I don’t need a man to love him. He needs to give me a reason to do so.

~*~*~

Filed under I, Me, Myself. Follow the link for Continuity, Relevance or Reference.